sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
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Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over