Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
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Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Pandas 🐼🖤
BRO LMFAO
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
My neck of the woods. My leg of the desert. My bellybutton of the meadow.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.