sure, why not
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You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.