sure, why not
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Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Bros before Ohioes
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*