sure, why not
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[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.