Sure. Why not?
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Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
nature’s most graceful animal
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Glasses
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine