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I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now