Sure. Why not?
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My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.