Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
You Might Also Like
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
don’t we all
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.