Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
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The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.