Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
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Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?