@ddsmidt

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

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@loribuckmajor

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

@wescraw

We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way. It’s called thinking ahead guys.

@msmegmensa

A little drunk. Playing scrabble with my cat. Not sure who’s winning cause he’s eaten most of his tiles.

@OneyeBogey

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

@FilthyRichmond

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

@thatdutchperson

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

@boxofhamsters

my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed