Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
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Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Same pineapple, same
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too