Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

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Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!


We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way. It’s called thinking ahead guys.


A little drunk. Playing scrabble with my cat. Not sure who’s winning cause he’s eaten most of his tiles.


Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.


I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.


“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid


my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed