Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
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“What movie?” 🤔
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Always
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.