Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

become ungovernable

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.

“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.