Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
You Might Also Like
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
This checks out
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.