Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
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IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.