Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

?

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

…żyje?