Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
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A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.