Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
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Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK