Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
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Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
We like the way Dwight thinks
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.