sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
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Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”