sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
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Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right