Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Green is just blue that someone peed in

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.

“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.

We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”

UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.