“Sure, you can wear shorts to preschool today.”
-the reason I am sleeping on the couch right now

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Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”


Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.


If I’ve learnt anything from Zombie movies it’s that people meat is pretty damn stringy.


I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.


Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts


I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*


Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.


Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,


Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.


Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful