Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
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I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday