“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
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One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve