“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
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Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?
17: That the public is crazy.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.