Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
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[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
If a snake ate a cake
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS