Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!

Onion rings.

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.