Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
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I believe the plural is “milves.”
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
buying dead houseplants to save time
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
