Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.

This classic never gets old . . .

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.

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ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.