Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
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Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
what it’s like dating me:
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw