Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
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Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
crochet youtube is brutal
My dream car is a taco truck.
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”