Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
You Might Also Like
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it