Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!

BOY: Fine

{later}

BOY: Help…Wolf!

WOLF: What’s up?

BOY: I need you to kill the villagers

Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?

caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty

are there any atheist mantises?

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened