Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
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Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
called in thicc to work this morning
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Covid like
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.