Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
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9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”