surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
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“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl