surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
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Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.
“Are you sure?”
I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”