Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
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Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”