Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
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DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.