Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts

Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.