Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.