Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
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Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
