surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
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Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
I feel it
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’