surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
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My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp