surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
You Might Also Like
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
and this one
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Hank is one in a melon.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?