surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
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It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct