surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
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a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
old twitter is back baby
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket