surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
This kid will have a bright future.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
They’re on their honeymoon
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
