surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
