surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
couldn’t resist
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
