Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?