Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago