Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Become ungovernable.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars