Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.