Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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Me: You want me to wear a rubber?
Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.
Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?