Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
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Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
💀
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.