Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.

what

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

‎”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

This is always good for a laugh.

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

[in court during a murder trial]

hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG

me: right here

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”

if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl