Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.

My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.

Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..

please stand back I’m about to make this worse