surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
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Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.