surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
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My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
no way 😭
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.