SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
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Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
congratulations to them
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.
When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing