Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.

Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.

They’re the only thing

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II

A small tragedy.

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

I like long walks away from everyone

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”