SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
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Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?