2 Jehovah’s witnesses knocked earlier, so I invited them in. I gave 1 the hoover & 1 a mop.
If they can do Gods work, they can do mine.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
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[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
I accidentally just laughed at something my 4-year-old did so now I have to pretend to laugh as she does it forty thousand more times.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Want to avoid making excuses when people ask you to hang out? Always say no when someone asks “wanna hear something amazing?”
When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.
“feed the cat”
– oversimplifies the dynamic
– sounds like a chore
“fatten the beast”
– pleasing to the ear
– gives power where power is due
Exclamation point rules
! – good
!! – excited
!!! – awesome
!!!! – starting to get creepy
!!!!! – cheerleader creepy
!!!!!! – own 20 cats
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?