Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

wtf

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

I’m like the mafia to my son.

He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?

Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

bout dat hot dog summer

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.