SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
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I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.