Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

feetloaf

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better

SURGEON: How did you get in here

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”