Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”

Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”

Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

Husband: “What’s for dinner?”
Me: “Nothing”
Husband: “I had that last night!”
Me: “I know,I made enough for two nights.”

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

I highly recommend telling your boss/manager you have ADHD or autism. They will understand completely and won’t immediately take on a tone that you use for a dog that’s known to bite people

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back

Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

Imagine having a party on purpose.

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.