Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.

[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

There’s no “us” in nachos.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

me watching my own Instagram story

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”

My kid: “I love presents.”

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:

“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”

Give us this day our daily internet validation

My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.

So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.

Then we had a duet and my point was missed.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

*God creating the rhino*

God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.

He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.

Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.