Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
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Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.