Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
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if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.