Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
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Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.