Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading

{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!

PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.

Just a boop… with a sledgehammer

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.

cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.