Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.

Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.

Eg:

Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.