Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”

please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.

interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?

me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming

interviewer: no screaming

me: then it’s my calm demeanor

I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.

In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine