Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

BRO LMFAO

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

be careful

It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?