Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes

Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?