SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
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A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
He a real one for that