SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
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*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Just a reminder that you鈥檙e not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they鈥檙e stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
*making a phone call* please don鈥檛 pick up please don鈥檛 pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend鈥檚 house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I鈥檒l just share the introductory paragraph.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
If I ever pass out, don鈥檛 come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I鈥檝e eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Me after watching a horror movie! 馃ぃ馃ぃ
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Don鈥檛 You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don鈥檛 understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*