Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

Me: Not today, Satan.

Her: Mom, stop calling me that.

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

friend: what’d you do today?

me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest

friend: niiiice, how was it

me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.